Listening to people go about their daily lives in a performance setting. What makes people think that when their was a ticket price to pay to be allowed access to a performance that it is okay to chit chat like they are sitting at home on their couch? Nobody wants to listen to running commentary during a movie or general shooting of the bull during a lecture or other performance. People seem to have a very hard time simply being quiet, sitting down, and being entertained or informed. The more quiet an environment becomes, or is expected to become, the more people become loud and figidity. Inevitably, when the lights dim, there is a final push of noise and talk and chatter. It’s as if people must release one last burst of mindless crap before trying to not be annoying to others.

Food. I bet if someone goes on a date with someone they rarely chew with their mouths wide open. Why is then that when someone comes to a movie theatre they decide it’s time to chew and slurp and smack with their pie holes absolutely gaping? Not enough, let’s add some yummy and mmmm sounds to top things off nicely. Watching the Avengers sounds like feeding time at a petting zoo. People….clothes your mouths and chew like someone taught you manners at some point in your life. Oh yeah, you probably never had that experience. Part two of the eating in a movie issue. Wrappers. Crinkle, crunch, tear, fold, bend, and pop. Just open the goddamn thing once and for all and get on with things!

Childcare. Parents, guardians, siblings, Mary freaking Poppins, you have the responsibility for keeping loud children quiet. You must use the theatre going experience as an opportunity to teach basic lessons. What lessons? Nobody wants to hear the children during the movie, nobody wants to hear you discipline or apply life lessons out loud during the movie, nobody wants to hear constant bursts of “sssshhhhh” and “be quiet” during the movie or performance. If a small human or humans is being loud, talkative, and disruptive, remove their human forms from the performance or viewing area immediately. Nobody else should have to listen to the fallout for you not being able to get a sitter. If you have loud offspring under your control and you know they will be loud during a performance, don’t show up! Yes, you paid the same $9 I did to see the same movie, that does give you the right to disrupt 100 other people who paid the same $9. Well mannered kids are always welcome. When they know that it’s time to be quiet during a movie or performance just adds to their general low level of charm.

While the rant is in progress, it’s time to bring up a few other areas of etiquette. If you walk into a movie theatre and there are only three people in the seats, DO NOT decide to sit right in front of these three people. I’m not talking in front of in a general sense, I’m talking right in front seat for seat. Who does this? We are not geese and we do not need to work in flocks. Move down a few rows so I don’t have to constantly see your cell phone screen and try to see over the giant cranium of Big Daddy Jeremy. Think about others just a little bit once in a while.

You should not need to be told by the reminder on the movie screen to turn off or put your cell phone on silent. Seeing this reminder should not result in a chorus of “oh my, I forgot”, “where’s that silly off button”, “Jeremy, how do I turn off my phone”, “I’ll just leave it on, they can’t tell me what to do with my phone”…..ugh…..turn that fucker off or put it on silent. Do it before Mr. Popcorn reminds you to do so. It’s not that difficult.

If you appear at a classical music concert of any kind, the kind where there are string instruments, DO NOT say with authority “well that’s a funny looking fiddle.” Okay. It’s not a fiddle Cotter it’s a violin, viola, cello, or bass. If you are listening to bluegrass or country, yes and sure, it’s definitely a fiddle. If the performers are wearing black socks, it’s not a freaking fiddle! On the same line of things, if you are at the same kind of concert, do not state emphatically that “this shur don’t sound like Alan Jackson”….you are correct. It doesn’t sound like Alan Jackson. Why? Because it’s Mozart for fuck’s sake! Please make an attempt not to sound like a giant moron on purpose. Save that sort of thing for when you are sitting on your own couch.