On the way to church (Starbuck’s…let us pray) the decision was made to swing by the ATM and pull out $60 in walking around money. Pulling up in front of the bank was the last easy thing that happened. The ATM lobby was FULL of two adults and so many children that I stopped counting. It appeared that the gaggle had just arrived as Mom #1 was working on finding her ATM card. She plops this gigantic bag on the lip of the machine and proceeds to dig. Candy, receipts, breast pumps, romance novels, and a newly minted GED certificate fall to the floor as the dig continues for the card. She pulls the damn thing out by itself. I can only assume that is was floating free amongst the various detritus of that hideous bag. Phase fucking 2 begins as she attempts to figure out how this little bastard goes into the machine. After trail and error the machine finally sucks it in as designed. Confusion descends as now it is time for the 4-digit PIN number. This is appears to be a real ball scratcher as two attempts are made before the magical and correct combination of 1-2-3-4 is discovered in the dark recesses of her mind. Her brain unit must have been all tuckered out from that GED testing.

The machine comes to life and is ready to do its job in a quick and efficient manner. Completion of the task is just seconds away. But no…..no fucking way is this going to happen. Mom begins to panic and squint at the screen as if she is peering at Russian nuclear launch codes. That one hand comes up with the finger poised. Apparently randomly touching the screen is her approach. Nothing is happening as the choice of having to choose a language is fucking befuddling and taking this sled quickly off the rails. After much drama this task is finally completed. Now, the options for what the next step are displayed and this is simply too much. She sort of jumps slightly in frustration and mumbles a not so quiet “oh my, oh my” as she now needs to choose deposit, withdrawal, stamps, transfer, or to check her balance. Gears grind away as she seeks to remember why oh why did she walk through the fucking door in the first place. The circuits finally find their way to each other and a choice is made. One small $20 bills shoots out of the slot and is quickly wadded up and placed into the dark depths as that ugly as sin purse. The card atomically comes out of the slot and she jumps back as if she had just been shot. What in the holy hell did she think was going to happen and why was this such a huge freaking surprise?

The task has been completed but the journey is not yet complete. Before she steps away from the machine she decides its time to yell at 7 of the accumulated 11 kids and teach a few some learning. Once this is mercifully completed Mom #2 steps and and begins the exact same process. Just as slowly and just as idiotically as her buddy. The time has come to bail because if I have to watch this process one more time I’m going to engage in felonious behavior.

It is 2017 people. Find some learning and figure out how to use a fucking ATM. This is not advanced work and the process should be ingrained to the point of automatic muscle movement. Seriously, fucking concentrate so that other lives do not have to come to a complete halt because somewhere in 1983 your life went south and you stopped learning anything. Practice makes perfect.