Tips and suggestions for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Three words: Politics, sex, and religion. These are the three topics that should be most discussed at any family holiday gathering. The best way to get things started is to use the following opening, “Despite your delusions…”, things should move forward nicely from that point. For your Trump loving relatives ask them how they would justify misogyny, bigotry, ignorance, hatred, and narcissism to any grandchildren that may be in the room. If no grandchildren ask them how they condone such horrible stuff with a straight face. Calling someone racist is OK if signs of racism are apparent. Switch to policy…net neutrality, tax reform, immigration, and the environment. Request sources for all “facts” offered in support of their argument. If someone cries or you are asked to leave the premises without dessert you know you have touched on something that they cannot defend. Rejoice in the freedom and the fresh air.

The next approved topic of discussion is sex. Go deep on this one and avoid “safe sex” questions like, “Ah, tell me again about your first date with Mom!” No…that is not how this is done. Ask someone at random, while the gravy is being passed, to tell you about how and where he or she lost his or her virginity. Ask your Grandmother if she ever experimented with another woman and if so how did she like it? Ask Dad or Grandpa if during that time they spent in Paris did they ever get their freak on with a threesome or more after a night at the Moulin Rouge. This will so to speak get the juices flowing. If this becomes too much and blushing occurs then stay the course with a discussion of sex toys. Scorpions, rabbits, vibrators, rings, dildos, and the pros and cons of various lubes. Astroglide or KY? Discuss. If a discussion sparks and continues then yay for family time!

We come to the final part of the holy trinity of family holiday discussion topics. Religion. “Grandpa, how can you believe in a God that allows children to be ravaged and eventually tie from brain cancer?” “Mom, did you know the cross around your neck is actually a torture device? You don’t see me wearing a Chinese Iron Maiden around my neck do you?” If this does not work state in loud and clear words that you think pushing religion on children is child abuse. Just see what happens. Fun for the entire family.

If you make it to the post feed football game you know you either caved and did not bring up any of these topics or that your family is actually able to have a conversation about controversial topics. If this is the case, you are very fortunate indeed to be surrounded by people that prefer to discuss instead of finding a safe zone.